Tuesday, March 21, 2006

live in your fantasy

there is nothing wrong with creating your own reality to get by in this life...dontchya think? of course, this created reality cannot effect your life in such a way to where you are living a lie. as long as you can distinguish true reality (whatever that means) from a false reality. so this is me. this is also my version of reality. sometimes my true reality seems so far out there (it could be someone's fantasy) that i would rather it be a false reality...

for example, recently i took a vacation. on this vacation i met a lover. we must have seen 30 shooting start that night. we watched the sun rise over the china sea. our love affair lasted about 2 weeks before on a mutual evening we both met someone else at this bar we at. the funny thing is...we both agreed to leave the bar with that other person. and we did. so he went home with this girl from spain and i ended up (literally) falling in love with a man and moved in with him that night. i changed my plane ticket and had an amazing adventure with this guy. we will call him 'the director' because he makes short films/documentaries. ok...the director lives with his parnter in their home town of vancouver. so we called her on the phone and told her about 'us' and she actually gave us her blessing. so we would call her everyday and give her our love (a woman i have never met) and that was that....until...

after we both returned home i decided to make a trip up to vancouver to visit a few lovers. 'the director', and old flame that i have kept in touch with for 15 years, and this other guy (we will call him 'the actor' because he does stunt work for almost every martial art movie out there). so basically without going into detail...i went up north to visit 3 lovers, and meet the lover/partner of the director all within 4 days. needless to say, i had a blast, but if were to tell all the details of this story, one might say....no way! but this is my true reality. my false reality is that i am numbing down the story...other times i might spice it up...y'all dig?

Monday, November 28, 2005

casual sex lover

i recently hooked up with an old friend of mine (10 years). him and i decided to spend a friendly weekend in half moon bay...it had been a few years...he picked me up in his sexy new car and we sped off to the beaches and sushi restaurants. a few bottles of wine later and a lovely beach bon-fire...i found myself and dear friend having passionate sex on our private beach (our first time)...since then, we have this thursday/friday night ritual...it is a bit odd and goes a little something like this:

i show up at his house and we share some wine, get all dolled up and head out to downtown san francisco to frequent our favorite bars. him and i play the "brother/sister" role and play the crowds. together we are quite a good looking pair of "siblings" and often end up havig a full evening of free drinks and being the life of the party...we collect numbers, flirt with others, and then we go home together and have wild passionate tribal-like sex...if you can imagine, there are didgereedoo's involved. the next morning we have brunch in the park and laugh about the previous evening. i go home, we don't talk all week...he dates others while i study hard and work hard all week and then it's thursday again...this has been going on since....august...it's nice to be able to share intimate moments with a dear old good friend whom i trust and respect

Saturday, August 06, 2005

taken up lingerie

I have recently concluded that I do not like to be alone...meaning, I prefer to have a lover in my life, a go to person if you will (not only for sex, but also someone with whom I seek solace from). This is not a gladdened culmination that I had been aspiring towards. I prefer to think of myself as self substained and quite capable of finding happiness within myself and not because I am receiving love from another person. I know this casual sex with an old lover is not making me happy...someone such as myself (or anyone for that matter) warrents a person who will undoubtedly love and cherish me. So once again my wishy-washy emotional path finds itself befuddled at the cross roads.

My transitory solution: taken up lingerie by a company called Agent Provocateur. The title of this company is quite fitting especially when bearing in mind I live a small percentage of my life truly believing I am a secret agent. I am not joking. I independantly seek out crime (and have since I was 7 with oldskewl trinkets such as a mirror taped to a long stick) and interrogate those invloved while throwing them off with sex appeal. A little sick game I do...don't ask why.

Hence my previous posting...

i need a good spanking

Monday, July 25, 2005

the sexual peak of a woman

i am such the typical woman...undecisive, picky, moody, but also very sexy, very horny, and more and more entering into that phase i have heard about for years...the sexual peak of a woman! i must masturbate at least 3 times each day. i am having sex with the fireman at least 8 times a week (the man has 24 hour shifts, what can i say?), and my newest thing (well at least in the last few months) i crave a hard cock in my mouth. now, for the record, i am not going around offering to suck cocks...i am sticking with one, but if i were to meet someone new, some one exciting that i actually find interesting and gorgeous (the personality makes them more gorgeous), then i would definitely suck their cock...it just doesn't happen, though i wish it would.

anyways, i can't just give up on the fireman, this on again off again thing has been going on now for 4 years! he keeps coming back for the sex because to be honest, i am just this sexual beast in bed...and who can deny that? and to make things easier for him, i am not a nagger, we have never once been in an arguement (except each time i would leave him for a few months to go to europe or asia), and like i said, i am a sexy beast. so forget that last post, i am going to continue fucking him and putting my emotions out there on the line like a trooper waiting to get shot down...oh the agony.

Friday, July 15, 2005

it got complicated

I should have known that reconnecting with an old lover that happens to be an extremely hot and sexy fireman would be a bad idea. My old feelings have resurfaced and the only thing that has surfaced with him would be his lower male extremities. Apparently, I "broke his heart" and he is still bitter about it which has resulted in the building of a wall. I think I am going to fuck him just a few more times, go see a Jack Johnson show and call it a fun 5 months...back to the dating scene....ick.

Thursday, June 30, 2005

c'est moi

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Thursday, May 05, 2005

he is SO two months ago

It's funny how time fly's and things change. Shortly after a back and forth of sex and absolutely everything-else-sucks game, we decided to call it quits. I arrived at his flat wearing my super sexy jeans, a white collared button up shirt with my pink tee-shirt overneath that says: what boyfriend? I thought it was hilarious and he didn't even say one word about it...so I grabbed his digital and snapped a few shots for him to discover later. (some people seriously lack a sense of humor)

Oh, did I mention that the night before I grabbed my stuff I slept at the fireman's house and had some of the most passionate sex in ages. It was so nice to be worshiped again AND especially nice to be with the perfectly toned and sexy fireman. The following weekend the two of us skipped out of town for a few days of boarding in Tahoe. It was a great way to lift my spirits and re-aquaint with an old dear lover. A few months later and I now find myself in this interesting situation: About every 10 days the busy fireman and the busy me go out to dinner, watch a movie and have the most passionate sex topped off with an all night cuddle.

i hope this doesn't get complicated

Monday, February 28, 2005

cure for relationships

extacy + viagra + lube + morning after pill = fixed relationship

Sunday, February 20, 2005

of course NOW he wants me back

Men...(and women too) can never make up their minds! Have I been doing all this *proactive, get over him* work for nothing? I feel like I have been taking this whole break-up thing pretty well. Trying to stay positive and not get too depressed...but then yesturday happens. I told the elite dork that I need to get my stuff because at one point we were basically living together. It's hard to pass up a flat on top of coit towers that over looks the entire sky line of San Francisco with a jacuzzi and my own closet. So, I have a ton of stuff there, including plants, a book shelf, an elephant carved nightstand, and about a million other things...and I wanted it back. The next thing I know we are having a conversation about how he misses me and blah blah blah. I was so hurt by him that I was not impressed with this conversation. Does he think I am that easy? I told him not to open up the box of toys unless he is ready to play for good. So, I guess now he wants this to work out. I really do not understand this man. I am currently on the fence. I am going to see if he does anything extra special this week to truly win my heart back. To be continued...

Friday, February 18, 2005

Best Mojito Recipe

Take one large lime and squeeze the living day lights out of it. Next, you can either take a table spoon of simple syrup or a table spoon of sugar and throw it in there. After this put about 5 fresh mint leaves in the glass and then fill with ice. Now pour in a few shots of Bacardi Lemon Rum, another 5 mint leaves and fill the glass with club soda. Now shake the shit out of it and if you can break the ice. Throw in a slice of lime and a splash of Bitters. If you can't find bitters, don't worry about it. Wow, I am thirsty...if anyone tries this out, let me know :)

things you do after the break-up

Like I mentioned earlier, I am trying not to let this break-up get to me...but seriously though, when a guy is buying me beautiful flowers (not the tacky cheap shit), taking me out to lavish dinners, and having nonsense conversations like "princess, I think we should go to Tiffany's and get your wedding finger fitted for a ring"...I mean come on...let's get real here! Anyways, I am being really proactive and doing stuff that keeps me going. For example, today I went and got a cute french pedicure, my eye brows waxed and for the first time ever in my entire life...I got highlights all over the freakin place...though, nothing too bold. Now it is time to take a little trip to down town San Francisco and check out a few cute boutique stores. Oh my goodness, it is Friday and I deserve a Mojito! Mojito's are my favorite drink ever!!! It is a hard drink to find though because it requires fresh mint. Ok I am going to post the best Mojito drink recipe in a sec...stay tooned :)

Thursday, February 17, 2005

on the verge

Once again, I woke up with that empty feeling and/or feeling of loss. After a few deep breaths and a cup of tea I was fine. I am deciding that this break up may not be such a bad thing after all...my creative juices are flowing! I bought a new Ibanez Classical guitar (my dad and uncle somehow destroyed my other one named Carlos) and I haven't been so inspired to bust out with my old skewl electric Fender Strat. It took me almost 4 days before I approached the Ibanez...I think I was afraid. It has been several years. I used to play until my fingers would bleed (ah, those were the days).

Well, I have been consistantly playing now for about a week and I have officially entered into the "the zone" or the "the zen" of playing. I have written 2 songs now. One is called Silly Boi and the other is called On the Verge. So, it looks as though this break up has stirred up quite a ruckess inside, leaving me with no choice other than to drain ink from my pen with my thoughts, cluster up a few guitar chords and sing my little heart out. Gosh, if I ever figure out how to enhance this blog site, maybe I can share a recording with ya folks =)

big things are happening tomorrow and i cannot wait to report back!

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

false alarm

Ha ha, it's not that I was upset about him...I was PMSing and got my moon (that's what I prefer to call it)

not doing well

I have managed to wake up, turn over to switch the computer on and write this down. I don't feel good and I want to call the elite dorky ex. Why should I miss someone that is more interested in playing a video game than playing with me? What a wierdo!

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

the day after the break-up

I woke up this morning feeling nautious and sad. What happened lastnight? One thing I did not mention was that on my drive home following the "conversation", my ex before this ex called me to say Happy Valentines Day. He is a fireman and was working at the station that happens to be 6 blocks from my flat. (note: if your boyfriend is a fireman, do not move near his station because on the days where he is working, you are constantly reminded of him with each siren that passes you by and this can be quite annoying) So I decided to stop by to give him a hug and say hello. The irony of situation: me standing there with the fireman, having just come from the *break-up conversation* with the most recent ex (we will title him in a moment) was pretty funny, but I decided to keep that to myself. He wanted to talk about our relationship and how perfect it was until I decided to move to Paris for the summer which ultimately ended up disasterous for the relationship. So, twice on the eve of Valentines Day, I was blessed with two conversations about failed relationships that I have participated in.

Anyhoot, today was OK. I managed to eat a little soy yogurt for breakfast, a cheese bagel (burnt) for lunch with freshly squeezed orange/carrot juice, and a pale ale with pasta for dinner...and of course~a tall glass of vanilla soy with 8 oreo cookies (i took the full box from the recent ex's home on the way out the door). Each time my very recent ex, who by the way is a well known computer programmer (big time computer dork...an elite dork), popped into my head, I would start singing this song I wrote last week called "silly boi". It helped me focus less on him and more on my...creativity I suppose. Positivity is my focus for tonight. Let's see what tomorrow brings. I think the recent ex's name will remain: recent ex~

Monday, February 14, 2005

the break-up

Why do relationships, rather, the ending of a relationship need to be so very painful? You end up saying all these things you end up regretting later or you wish you had said something that you didn't and then the mind games begin. To me, this is the worst part of a break-up. This may sound selfish, but this is just how I feel...it's not the actual loss of the person that is so difficult to deal with, but the mind games. Now I am not talking about playing mind games with your very recent ex, I am talking about the mind games that you play with yourself. At first it isn't so bad; simple thoughts like "what is he doing" or "is he thinking of me"...but then as the days progress the thoughts turn into "is he seeing anyone" or "if only i had done this differently".

Tonight, on Valentines Day, I got dumped. Apparently, I need too much attention. My advise is, don't start out by showering me with tons of attention, flowers and love and then drop it over night because something new and exciting came around. In my case...it was the World of Warcraft. This game is so addicting, my belief is that it is ruining several relationships. As
a massively multiplayer online game, World of Warcraft enables thousands of players to come together online and battle against the world and each other. Your character developes the more you play and the more you play, the more you need to play. So, that was the begninning of the end for my relationship with "him". It was sad, but onward.

I have decided that I will not let this get to me. After all, I am nearly 27 and have a lot of experience with break-ups. So, I earased all of his sweet messages on my cell phone and his number, deleted him from my instant messenger, and have opted not to talk it through with the girlfriends. It's not that I don't care, because I really do...I just do not have time to get upset and depressed over this. I need to regain my dignity and self respect. I am compassionate, smart, sexy/beautiful, and I have done things that most people will never do in life time. Been around the world about 6 times, ran marathons, lived in refugee camps...you know, I've done some shit. And I am such a princess~

This blog, (my first) is a documentation of my journey to find love and happiness (isn't that what everyone wants?). If anyone has tips or stories to share...be my guest : )